I recently received some happy work-related news that made me feel excited and proud. You'd think that would have been enough for me, right? Those feelings of achievement. Isn't the payoff in the good news and the pride and excitement?
Not entirely. For me, anyway.
I told my husband. He doesn't get outwardly excited about much (unless it's Collingwood winning a premiership, but that's another story). He gave me a "That's great, honey. I'm proud of you. Well done!"
... AND??!!!
Why was that not enough for me? Why did I want trumpets and fanfare, perhaps a bunch of flowers, or dinner out, and more praise, more, more, MORE!!!
I told one of my daughters and she barely looked up from her phone. Afterward, I stood staring out of my bedroom window wanting to call people and tell them my news, but I didn't, because I was pretty sure that they would say something similar to what my husband said (except not call me 'honey' and possibly with slightly more enthusiasm in their tone)... and that wouldn't have been what I was searching for. WHAT WAS I SEARCHING FOR??
Do you know? I do.
I was looking for VALIDATION.
Dictionary.com defines validation as:
the act of affirming a person, or their ideas, feelings, actions, etc., as acceptable and worthy:
ACCEPTABLE (Pleasing/Approval) and WORTHY (Deserving).
What does that mean? Well, it's one thing to win, but it's another thing to have other people see you win, approve of the win, and deem you a worthy winner.
You can draw a good picture and feel proud. You can win a drawing competition and be happy and proud. But, would you feel WORTHY if nobody else affirmed that it was a good picture and that you were a worthy winner? You can get top marks in the class, but do they mean as much if you don't have people saying that you worked hard and earned it?
No, I don't think they do. The top mark and good picture are not enough on their own. The results are not enough on their own. We need validation. We need to know that we are worthy winners and deserving of our success. Otherwise it could just be an error or plain old good luck.
It sounds almost narcissistic, right? Like, why isn't the good result enough on its own? Why do I need other people to pat me on the back and pump up my tires? Why isn't my husband telling me that he's proud of me ENOUGH?
Well, this goes deeper, doesn't it?
The truth is, if I KNEW that I was worthy and enough, and truly BELIEVED it, then the result (the picture/the top marks/the good news) WOULD be enough on its own. I wouldn't need the trumpets and flowers. I wouldn't need other people to tell me I deserved the win.
If I truly believed that I was WORTHY of the success, then I wouldn't need other people to tell me that I was worthy.
Now, I know what you're thinking. Well, maybe some of you. We are tribal creatures. We need other people. We need to share in one another's successes. We are designed for communication and relationships with one another. And, I am going to tell you that you are 100% CORRECT. We do and we are. But, if you're like me, you can tell the difference. You know when you want to tell people something to share the joy... or to gain further validation. You know, don't you.
Now, with some distance, I can see that if I had told people, whatever their reactions, they would not have been enough. If I had posted it on social media and received even more positive reactions, that wouldn't have been enough for me either. Sure, it probably would have felt good for a while, but I would end up exactly where normal is for me: Questioning my worthiness and feeling very far from a success.
I could keep getting good news, top marks, and win competitions every day. I could tell everyone all about it, share everything on socials, and get mounds of praise and back-patting... BUT IT WOULD STILL NOT FEEL ENOUGH.
This is work that needs to be done in the heart.
I need to continually remind myself that I AM ENOUGH and I AM WORTHY. Good things happen because I deserve them. And, I need to learn how to deem myself 'acceptable'.
The older I get, the more I learn that my feelings are not me. If I can feel the fear and do things anyway knowing that the fear is there for a purpose - to keep me safe - then I can feel the doubts about my abilities and my worthiness and keep doing things and believing in myself anyway. I can remind myself that my feelings are not reality.
I don't need people to tell me that I am acceptable and worthy, and I don't need to FEEL acceptable or worthy. It doesn't matter what people think or say, and it doesn't matter how I FEEL. I am acceptable and worthy anyway, just because I am. Because I am a child of God, because I am human, and just because I exist... And you are the same.
Is this a reminder that you need? Do you need to remember that your feelings are not reality? Do I need to remind you that you are ENOUGH, that you are WORTHY, that you are DESERVING and ACCEPTED as you are?
Because you are.
My prayer for you is that you wish to share your good news because you wish to share your joy with your people, and not because you need validation.
Allow me to be your validator.
You are freakin' awesome! You are an amazing human and I am proud of you. You are deserving of every wonderful thing that happens to and for you. Go you!
YOU ARE WORTHY
YOU ARE DESERVING
YOU ARE ACCEPTED
And
YOU ARE ENOUGH
I love you, sweet reader friend. Let's keep being brilliant!
Love, Marley
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