Push through with this one. This blog demonstrates how important it is to focus on the right stuff. The first half is me having a sook with a shitty focus. The second half is learning from it.
PART A
I must admit that I am prone to doomsaying, but only when it comes to myself. Anyone else, and everything else, will be A-okay. Amazing even! But, if I have to go somewhere or do something, then heck, there has to be some disaster that awaits me!
If I had to go and deliver a talk at the local library, then I am sure that nobody would show up.
If I go to a social work function, then I bet that I'd have nobody to talk to.
If I was designated driver and had to pick up some people and drive them somewhere and home again, then I'll probably get lost, or have nowhere to park, or not be able to get into an available park, and then not be able to get them home again.
Do you see a pattern?
Funny thing is, that if you asked me to make someone a cake, I'd give it a crack. It wouldn't be the best cake in the world, but it would probably be passable. Tasty, even. If you asked me to write a poem for you, I would. Happily. If I had to decorate for a party, paint your nails, clean your bathroom, or run a sister circle - I can do that, and I have done that. So, I know that I am not really prone to disaster. Not everything that I touch turns to shit. Actually, nothing I touch turns to shit...
Except myself.
I just doubt my abilities in certain areas, like socialising, navigating, and parking.
BUT, I am great at coordinating, being creative, leading a group, and giving low-stakes things a go... Yeah, I'll bake that cake for you, but I would prefer to do it at my house and drop it off rather than make it while you watch.
So, really, it's a fear of being judged and of what other people will think.
I'm not going to try to park in that parallel park because I might stuff it up and someone might be watching me, then I'll look stupid. I'll go to that work social event with someone from work, so I don't have to arrive by myself or sit by myself.
It's also about the stakes.
I'll write a poem for you, but I won't if I have to let a tarantula crawl across my face if you hate it lol. I'll paint your nails, but I won't if you have some severe skin allergy that could kill you if I got some nail polish on your skin. The stakes are too high, and I don't trust my ability enough.
This is me exposed: Self-doubt with a fear of judgement.
PART B
I wrote the above blog a long time ago and I only just found it in my drafts folder. I'm not sure why I wrote it, it seems to have no point, just me being self-critical. Obviously it is what I was feeling at the time, but now, I don't feel scared, I feel brave. I don't doubt my abilities, I know that I am capable of amazing things. So, what has changed between now and then?
Perspective, maybe. Focus, definitely. This is something that I wrote about in my last blog post, What Makes You Happy? I wrote:
"Because if I am always focused on the things I DON'T have and relying on the acquisition of those things to give me happiness, then I am FAILING at happiness."
I feel like when I wrote this blog, I was focused on the things that make me scared, like parking and making small talk. I probably went somewhere and felt stupid, like one of the kids' friend's birthday parties where the other mums are all friends and I probably sat there on my own holding a half-eaten plate of food while looking at my watch. Last time this happened, I laughed about it with my beautiful neighbour afterwards and she said, "Yes! I hate that!" So, it's not just me, this is just a shitty part of parenting lol. Okay, I got off track there a little bit. Instead, I should have been focused on the event, the opportunities, the food, the pretty dress I wore, my kids having fun, the sunny day. The GOOD stuff.
The other issue is, stop making yourself the most important thing in the room (guilty!). What I mean by that is, I am too focused on how I feel and not focused enough on other people. I should be talking to others, listening to them, connecting, and being present. If I am focused on me being scared or feeling uncomfortable, then I am missing out on experiences and opportunities to connect with people.
I need to turn my focus OUTWARD, not inward.
Anyway, after my last blog, I thought I'd share this as evidence of needing the right focus to be as happy as possible. Because Marley with the wrong focus is "Self-doubt with a fear of judgement", too worried about her own feelings to do things that make her feel scared.
and Marley with the right focus, is brave and "capable of amazing things". She seeks out opportunities to connect with people and show love, even when she feels scared.
Love,
Marley x
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